The Devil’s Guide to Valentine Gorging & Stamina Maintenance

As experts in the field of ‘having your cake and eating it too’, we at Faust’s Potions spend our time devising new and ingenious ways for you to indulge in all that life has to offer, without having to pay too dearly for your sins. With Valentine’s Day tiptoeing tantalisingly close, read our ‘Devil’s Secret Guide to Valentine Gorging & Stamina Maintenance’ to plan an evening of delectable consumption that doesn’t misfire, backfire, or flop. 

1. If dining out pick a winner. While a candlelit dinner at McDonald’s (possible in Southport, North Carolina) may be ‘something different’, February 14th is not for ironic ordering or grizzly patties. Do not go for the obvious pick: do your research, there are endless city-specific selection guides available online; and avoid Valentine themed set menus - aside from the barf-tastic dish naming you’ll encounter (‘Camembert "Melts my Heart" with Truffle-Cuddle Cream’ for two?), by the time you finally roll on home the butterflies will have turned into flatulence and all you’ll have room for is a peppermint tea. Hot.

2. Do it at home. While the enforced separation of a publicly exposed table can help build sexual tension, the prospect of being able to strip anywhere at any moment is immeasurably more exciting. Even if you’re no whizz in the kitchen, a considerately structured takeout order and a few carefully placed rugs and rose petals will scream of forethought - one of the most romantic (and under utilised) abilities of man.

3. Do not mix food and sex. Unless you are a tempter/temptress of utterly godly abilities all you can hope to achieve is stained sheets, sticky bits, and a lingering sense of shame. 

4. Gorge on aphrodisiacs. Oysters, asparagus and avocados for hormone production; chillies, pomegranates, red wine and Faust’s Potions for turbo circulation; vanilla for nerve stimulation; goji berries and Chinese Ginseng for stamina maintenance. See eatsomethingsexy.com for extensive sexy-food information and recipes.

5. Rebel against the banality of Valentine’s Day Gifts. If your cynical Hallmark-hating side thrashes against ‘greeting card conspiracies’, pipe down, man up and reclaim February 14th as a date dedicated to the art of sensuality. We agree that no one can possibly need any more tat-avec-hearts-on, so think outside the (love) box! Adorn yourself with a giant bow, or grab the scissors and snip yourself some slut-wear... whatever your methods a hand crafted pleasure adventure is the one gift that is sure to keep on giving.

6. Leave room for take two - avoid a hangover at all costs! Even the most carefully concocted Valentine celebrations can still end up a muddle of awkwardness, for new lovers especially the date can be an abundant source of anxiety. Hence the importance of your morning-after performance. If you wake up feeling as though a squirrel died in your mouth, repetition and perfection of the previous night’s antics will be lacklustre at best. Make sure you drink plenty of water throughout the evening and a glass of juice before bed to rebalance blood sugar levels. Remember to floss, and stock up on Faust’s Potions - our herbal hangover wondercure - which greatly ease the effects of an evening’s overindulgence and would make the perfect Valentine gift considering the intention of debauchery that they denote. Faust’s Potions are available from www.faustspotions.com.

Follow the Devil’s Secret Guide to Valentine Gorging & Stamina Maintenance and you’ll be well on your way down the path considered consumption. Repeat after me: ‘I am the tortoise of wooing - nobody likes a sprinter’, and you’ll be sure to experience fireworks of a very tangible kind. We at Faust’s Potions wish you a thoroughly naughty Valentine’s Day. Good luck, and remember that fortune favours the bold. And the prepared. And the hydrated. 

By Alex Crowe-Evans, resident Faust’s Potions Scribe.